Dark Shorts 4: Bingo and Gomorrah

Welcome to a brand-new concept for “Life Sucks. Laugh Here.” Dark Shorts is intended to supplement the longer weekly posts with some random, ad hoc, funny, shorter stories (usually just a paragraph). These will post randomly during the week as the spirit moves me to create content. Please let me know your thoughts, likes, dislikes, general feedback in the Comments section at the bottom of this page. – PS Conway

Agnes loved Bingo. Since her husband died, she hitched a ride every Tuesday evening with Mert and Gert. Saint Barabbas of the Baptized Fire Immaculate Epiphany Catholic Church ran the best game in town.  Seniors and suckers from all around the county would pack the bodacious Bingo Hall dreaming of striking it rich. But for Agnes, it was bigger than the money. It was the competition, and the sheer joy that came from rubbing a win in the face of her fellow seniors. Cheating bitches and lying whores.  As they waited for the Caller to take his seat, Agnes kicked Gert’s shin under the table, drawing blood, whispering, “I’m gonna finish you.” Gert spit her half-sucked Werther’s Original candy in Agnes’s face, whispering, “Eat me.” Mert sipped his coffee, excitedly eyeing the building hostility. Father Phil Mipocketz climbed athletically into the Caller chair. His lustrous brown locks and cherubim face stirred geriatric passions across the hall. Agnes elbowed Gert and made an O-face. “Granny needs to change her panties,” Agnes said. “What panties?” Gert replied. Mert stared intensely at the Bingo cards splayed out before him. I-22! Someone said shit from somewhere in the vast hall, and the game was on. Evening waned. Time passed. Losses accumulated. Agnes was despondent. Hands smeared with pink Dab-O-Ink, Agnes fixated on gouging Gert’s over-painted eyes out of her hooker skull. O-69! Mert exploded out of his chair and yelled BINGO! Murmurs of asshole and fuck you filled the air. Looking at the battle-ready Agnes and Gert, Mert grinned. “$250 prize, ladies. Let’s get some meth and go back to Agnes’s house for a three-way.” Overhearing him, Father Phil mouthed back over the silver heads of the crowd, “Be there in an hour.”