Colonoscopies: Show Your Inner Beauty

“We all poop. Don’t be such a damn baby” – Plato

“Let’s talk about poop, ba-by.” – Salt-N-Pepa, original lyrics

“Howdy ho!” – Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo

If, as predicted, the coronavirus eventually recedes to its summer retreat and lurks in wait for its winter return, elective medical procedures should begin to resurrect. Time to think about a colonoscopy.

As you may recall from my clinical and philosophical masterpiece, What Doesn’t Kill You Gives You Colitis, living with Ulcerative Colitis sort of makes me a colonoscopy pro.

Like any professional athlete, preparation is essential to continued success. Rest his soul, but Kobe Bryant exemplified that blue-collar work ethic of practice makes perfect, too.

Speaking of clichés, ignorance is not bliss. Colonoscopies play a vital role in the detection and prevention of colorectal cancer. It is better to be safe than sorry. If the attitude you bring to the table is not positive, how can you expect to not be left down in the “dumps”?

Knowledge is power! Let’s take a few moments and define some key terminology so you can best rationalize this indispensable event.

  • Colon (aka large intestine) – last five feet of intestine before your butt hole. After your small intestine has absorbed all the nutrients, the colon dries and processes the remaining waste until you’re ready to poop it out. This is where the cancer hides.
  • Colonoscope – the tube and camera that your gastroenterologist inserts in your butt hole and inflates with air to create space for the five-foot, cinematic journey of insertion up your colon. Remember: that air has nowhere to go but out when you recover in post-op.
  • Colonoscopy – the procedure of inserting the colonoscope up the length of the colon, looking for cancer and polyps, taking biopsies along the way.  Your doc may have pics available for sale in the lobby after the procedure.

Just to keep it real… colorectal cancer is the second leading cause of cancer deaths in the United States. 140,000 new cases are diagnosed every year with 50,000 estimated deaths. According to medical research, at least 30,000 lives each year can be saved through awareness and screening.

Shit just got real. (couldn’t resist)

Now that you understand what a colonoscopy is and how you could die without it, let’s have some fun and make lemons out of lemonade. *Wink*

Top 7 Tips for Colonoscopy Preparation

A silent prayer as colonoscopy prep commences.

I would be remiss if I failed to address the joys of colonoscopy prep. Your life-affirming colonoscopy could never be so enjoyable without putting in some work in the day(s) leading up to it. 

But I want you to really dig deep and focus on the psychological and spiritual benefits of this unique process. As you suffer, even if you persevere, you will emerge stronger. You may even see the face of god and hear her shimmering countenance say, “You are my beloved and most wondrous creation.”

I hope these prep tips from a colonoscopy pro help you (and your colon) thrive. Enjoy.

  • Anal bleaching… while optional, this is the truest of clinical courtesies. No muss, no fuss.  Fill in the blank… “If eyes are the window to the soul, then the anus is the ________.”
  • Forget 24-hour fasts. Perform minimally 240 hours (yes, 10 days) of “spiritual fasting”. Hold the pink rabbit’s hand when the hallucinations kick in. Think of Jesus’s bunny, Reg. He is your spirit guide. And remember what the dormouse said… “Feed your head.”
  • Practice proper toilet etiquette – respect the 3 S’s… sound, stink, and splatter… they should all be controlled and/or confined with the proper requisite level of shame. Bowel prep is disgusting and therefore you are disgusting whilst participating. Internalize that mantra as your insides spill out.
  • Deal with the discomfort.  This process is your cross to bear.  Act like Jesus and shoulder that burden.  Don’t whine. Keep moving up that hill. When you are feeling selfish, ask yourself, “What would Jesus do?”
  • This next tip is in the same vein as Tip 4 – “do unto others”… if you don’t like being abused by a grumpy dick, don’t be one. Stand strong. Hide your feelings. Create visual images of Jesus slapping a leper or telling Lazarus to get back in his cave.
  • Judiciously use flushable wet wipes.  God’s gift to clean.  Plus, they can really make that bleached anus shine!  And they might be good for the environment, too.
  • And the crown jewel of bowel prep – enjoy that short term weight loss! All that misery and mess are psychologically flushed away when you drop thirteen pounds of pent up turd weight.

Top 7 Tips for a Colonoscopy

Doctor Feel Good is looking to make your colonoscopy vivid and unforgettable.

Uncle Jimmy was one of my older co-workers who was a legend in the world of medical sales. He looked like your favorite white-haired uncle, and thus, the nickname was born.

I thought I would share some pearls with you that I had shared with Uncle Jimmy’s wife, Karen, a few years ago so she could truly optimize her first-time colonoscopy and dig deep into the world of medical buggery.

These procedural tips should be taken seriously, as they will truly enhance the overall adventure.

  • Make sure they use no anesthesia.
  • Tell the Anesthesiologist you want to be keenly aware to ensure vivid memories of the event.
  • Also tell the Anesthesiologist you want them to firmly hold your hand and maintain intense eye contact throughout the event.
  • Tell the OR nurse to hold your hips and whisper your name in an assuaging ritualistic chant throughout. Focus on being assuaged.
  • Upon insertion, ensure the GI keeps repeating, “That’s my girl. What a champ.” A tousle of your hair means they are super proud of you. Bonus.
  • Safety words are optional and, candidly, frowned upon. If you must acquiesce, some popular choices are “Armageddon!” or “Moo!” Oinking like a piglet is taking things way too far. Control yourself, you naughty little heathen nymph.
  • As with any good record album, you should always buy the EP version, if available. Like the secret menu at In-N-Out Burger, this is a little-known treat with colonoscopies. You will never forget the event if they can prolong the procedure as long as possible.

Your adventure is almost complete. I have detailed the quasi-religious experience to optimize your prep and pre-op knowledge. You understand expected conduct, protocol, and proper behavior during the procedure. But what about post-op and recovery?

Alas, there are not many words of wisdom to impart. Recovery is simple – fart.  While post-op can sound a lot like the baked beans campfire scene in the Mel Brooks’ classic movie, Blazing Saddles, don’t be dismayed. Join in! The louder and prouder you can let ‘em rip, the faster the nurses will let you go home to feed your starving body. It is their clarion call.

Gosh, all this talk has got me simply titillated for my next colonoscopy.  I hope this article serves as a peptic pep talk as you anticipate your upcoming colonoscopy. Have fun, relax, and enjoy the ride.

Godspeed, my little sojourners.

Let’s open a digital dialogue. Scroll down to LEAVE A REPLY. Thanks!

Long-time Facebook friends, as you will surely notice, this article is an accumulation of multiple FB posts plus some new additions and re-writes. It holds a special place in my heart (and butt) because it was your animated reactions, support, and encouragement that gave me the inspiration and courage to start writing LSLH in February 2020. So, I dedicate this post to you, my beautiful family and friends. Because of you, in the last three months I have written nearly 30,000 original words; and you have helped me open some creative pathways that would have remained closed without your laughter. Much more to come.

About PS Conway

Hey everyone! Welcome to Life Sucks. Laugh Here. In my college years, I was an English major and aspiring writer. Then life took over - marriage and kids - in our mid-twenties. Like all good Catholics of Irish descent, I literally looked sideways at my wife, and she was pregnant three weeks after our wedding. And then the ride of life began. My writing took a backseat for the next twenty-five years. But now, our daughters are raised, and my wife and I are in a Renaissance phase of our lives. As I begin to write again, I see so much negativity, tribalism, and anger on social media... so many people seem to think life sucks. The only antidote to this mind-rotting negativity that I know of, albeit transient, is laughter. So, I have committed to writing and growing this blog around that singular objective... try my damnedest to provide original writing that makes people laugh. And maybe think a little, too. Hope you really enjoy. If you laugh, please share this blog with your friends so we can grow our subscriber base and online influence. We are on a mission to spread joy, mirth, cheer, yule, and good humor to as many folks as possible. Thank you for joining this effort. Sláinte! - PS Conway

36 comments on “Colonoscopies: Show Your Inner Beauty

  1. I hate to be a party pooper, but flushing “flushable” wipes are a very bad idea. They don’t decay in water, they have a very strong tendency to seriously clog the plumbing that leads out to the street. The bill to correct that problem is really big and shitty. Use them, but don’t flush them.

  2. I’m not good at witty right now, but I really enjoyed this piece. I too am a coulrophobe. Why is that word coming up with the dreaded red line. It”s spelled correctly! ~Mahala~

    • Glad you enjoyed it, Mahala. Try for hard to make it funny and interesting. I think many of us share a terror of clowns. They are evil. LOL

  3. There it is

  4. Thanks for the Willy Wonka- esque ride! I felt like Augustus Gloop falling into the chocolate river and going for a ride! Then to be sucked into the intestinal pipe and pooped out. You as usual have put your own stamp on it.💩

    • Hahaha! I’m in tears laughing. Thanks, Kat! Sometimes a shower helps to clean all the yucky off. I literally cracked myself up 4-5 times while writing this one. Shows where my 15 year old maturity lurks. Cheers!

  5. Uncle Jimmy…great pull.

  6. Uncle Chrissy

    Your shitiest post yet: A real stinker: I’m using colons instead of periods: That shit’s funny: See what I did there too: “Too” rhymes with “poo”:

    • Oh, Uncle Chrissy. You make me chortle. Outstanding. Do you want to hear another poop joke? Never mind, it’s too corny. 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

  7. I have to get this done soon! I’ll remember those tips. I’m looking forward to the unlimited pre-op cocktails.

    • Trip, glad I could help! The stool softener turns a delicious Gatorade into lime slime that could almost be chewed in 8oz doses every 15min. Steel your nerves for this taste sensation. Mmmm

  8. This was hilarious to read. I’ve never had one but my husband comes from a family with a history of medical problems so he has already had to go there. I will never forget how loopy he was after the anesthesia.

    • Thanks, Britt. So happy you had a good laugh. Thankfully anesthesia is standard now. My first procedure years ago, it was not an option. Pure misery. Plus that loopy buzz is pretty fun. Lol.

  9. Ever since I started reading your blog, you never disappoint me. This is hilarious omg! How do you manage to do that? Something so serious yet so funny!

    And this part just killed me ” Now that you understand what a colonoscopy is and how you could die without it, let’s have some fun and make lemons out of lemonade. *Wink* ”

    Thank you for making me laugh! 😀

    • Inna! Thank you so much. I’m really glad you enjoy my blog. The goal has always been “think a little, laugh a lot.” Plenty more to come. Cheers! 🍷

  10. Only you could make me laugh so much about a topic like colonoscopies. I am glad you are making such an important procedure so lighthearted and funny. I especially like your suggestion about asking them to hold your hand and maintain intense eye contact the whole time. Nothing wrong with trying it and making the doctors laugh too. But seriously everyone, get to your doctor. It could save your life.

    • Thanks, Brooke! All joking aside, it is SUPER important. Uncle Jimmy’s wife Karen loves that line, too! Ha! Cheers. More to come.

  11. Absolutely hysterical! I turn the Big 50 later this year and will have my first try at this! Thanks for the laugh!

    • Thanks, Heather! Glad you got a good chuckle from some fun low-brow humor. The prep is the worst part. With anesthesia, the procedure is nothing. Best of luck!

  12. As I move further into middle-age I’m led to believe this is the kind of thing I’ve got to look forward to. Thanks for the rather intriguing heads up!

  13. Oh my word… this is ridiculously disgusting and hilarious. Also? Somehow you managed to get in some REALLY great information, so bonus points for that. This was my favorite part: Create visual images of Jesus slapping a leper or telling Lazarus to get back in his cave. There is now coffee all over my keyboard. Thanks for that.

    • Annie, first and foremost, sorry about the keyboard. Laughter does that, especially if you’re a full body laugher like me. Thank you for appreciating the low-brow humor and understanding the intent. All but a few of my pieces try to accomplish 2 things… teach a little and laugh a lot. Keep coming back, much more to come every Sunday. 🍷

  14. Oh dear, I‘ve never had one before and this kind of makes me want it even less! 😛

  15. Retirestyle Travel

    I don’t even want to think about this, but thanks for the forewarning

  16. Yup, never had a colonoscopy but I have been on the receiving end of an endoscopy multiple (same concept but different end of the colon) and I can say these things are…fun. Nothing tests your gag reflex better than a giant plastic tube being shoved down the back of your throat. Fun stuff.

    • Absolutely! I’ve had the distinct displeasure of being medically entered on both ends, not a treat. For sure! Hopefully you had a low-brow chuckle (or ten) along the way. Really appreciate the comments! Cheers.

  17. Many years ago, I went in for a colonoscopy… and they use the “date rape” drug, which of course gives you a fuzzy memory. Everything went well and a friend drove me home afterwards, and I went back to bed.
    A few hours later, I wake up… and groundhog day “OMG, today’s the day of my colonoscopy and I’m late… I slept through it… why am I dressed? why is my purse sitting on the bedside table? oh… wait… I remember going in the car to the appointment…”
    Yeah… took a while… eventually I remembered I had already had it done – but remember nothing of the procedure, other than being told I made nasty jokes the whole way through about poop!

    • That’s crazy! Part of what makes the experience so great is not remembering. I sometimes pretend I can’t remember just so I can go back “seconds.” Lol. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! 🍷

  18. i am often surprised at how people treat pooping as a taboo! This is an important post.

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