Like every aspiring nihilist, I love Friedrich Nietzsche.
His titular quote tells us that truth is rarely simple. It is often complicated. Even when complex, we should tell the truth. The truth always emerges from the lies.
Wow. Does that resonate with anyone during this time of continuing plague in the USA?
I will not devolve this conversation into further social commentary on President Cheeto. I remain confident that if you read my weekly posts from July 5, 2020 or July 12, 2020, you have a clear picture of where I stand on character and leadership. Or lack thereof.
That said, I do have some very hush-hush information for you today. Read on…
A Modest Proposal
Lies emanating from the American Central Government, our star-spangled Politburo, have unnecessarily increased the number of Covid-related deaths. Those lies have led to a massive resurgence of Covid cases which is certain to produce yet more deaths.
Apparently, we cannot refer to this viral renaissance as Covid II, the Sequel. This is still the original Covid, but with wider distribution and a blockbuster budget.
The litany of lies is bad enough. But the truth is far worse. These lies are just red herrings, a governmental sleight-of-hand, designed to create false counterpoints to sustain our attention.
The real conspiracy lies in the true truth. Only in this new post-truth reality does something this ridiculously redundant make a modicum of sense.
I have come by these true truths at great personal risk to my safety and the safety of my family. Do not ask me how. Confidential sources and shit. You know.
An unmarked black SUV idles down the block as I write. Watching. Waiting. I am certain my communications have been tapped. Oh wait. Is that my neighbor’s father-in-law, Walt? Whoops. False alarm. Or is that dickhead Walt in on it?
If my weekly posts suddenly cease, you know they will have captured, tortured, and murdered me. Worse, locked me away in some Gitmo-esque military prison. Folks, I am too damn pretty for prison. Death would be a mercy.
These are true truths so complex they transcend Johnathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal. So, if you are not able to appreciate the facetious use of sarcasm and satire for social commentary, I suggest you turn back now.
What you are about to read will blow your fucking mind. Consider yourself warned.
The 10 Biggest Truths Behind Covid Lies
Lie 1: Masks are ineffective.
Truth? Masks are ineffective. Obvi. That’s why the Central Government has clandestinely manufactured Freedom Hoods instead. Much like the Confederate flag, these once traitorous symbols for God, Race, and Nation should unify all of us – well, most of us – behind the noble cause of F.U.C.K. – Freedom Under Common Kinship in our fight against Covid-19. Not only will the Freedom Hoods protect our health, they will protect our minds from betraying our beloved Government by thinking too much on any topic beyond God and Country. Oh, and Race.
Lie 2: It is crucial that our kids go back to school this Fall.
Truth? C’mon people, you knew that was a joke, right? The Central Government has a surprise for you. Bigger plans! Plans that will make America greater yet again.
Our roads and bridges are crumbling around us. America is in disrepair. While annual deaths on US Highways are over 4 times lower than Covid deaths in just the last 6 months, car deaths could perhaps increase without this essential work. Fixing our infrastructure is a national security issue and our highest public safety priority.
The Central Government has determined that this entire generation of children will abandon their formal education and register to work on repairing our decomposing infrastructure under Project H.A.W.K. (Highways Assembled with Kids). This new labor pool loves to learn new things, has boundless energy, has no affiliation with any Unions, and will work for cheap. Plus, education is way overrated. Degrees can be bought. Besides, we have enough “very stable geniuses” who pass “hard cognitive tests” running things and doing the thinking for us.
Lie 3: The Fake News is a liberal conspiracy against America.
Truth? Will not matter anymore. The Central Government today acknowledged that “fake news” outlets uniformly went off the air late last night. A malfunction in heretofore top-secret Space Force laser weapon systems “misfired,” destroying all media satellites and offices.
“Reports of gunfire erupted in mass quantities last evening. Onsite, unidentified military personnel reported a cult-like ritual suicide of all liberal news reporters,” according to Kellyanne Conway. “A rare, undiagnosable side effect of Covid-19 apparently heightened their guilt from reporting such a bigly amount of fake covfefe since the Trump administration took office.”
In a patriotic affirmation of national solidarity, the remaining Real News outlets volunteered assimilation into the Central Government’s new Department of Social Education, disbanding forever the useless Department of Education. Since the kids are all working on repairing roads and bridges anyway, Betsy DeVos will proudly lead the new Department of Social Education.
Lie 4: Death rates are decreasing. Isn’t that the biggest concern?
Truth? Look, we are born dying. Everyone knows that death rates were decreasing from Covid but are now heading back up. So what? Our Baby Boomers are costing Americans a fortune in healthcare costs. There are too many of those expensive geriatric rascals.
The Central Government has a plan. In nature, if you are an old or weak gnu, the lions eat you. The herd runs like hell from you because the herd knows you will get them all killed if you keep limping along, sucking air, clinging to mortality.
As environmentalist Adolf Hitler famously screamed, “I do not see why man should not be just as cruel as Nature.” Their sacrifice for our Great Nation will forever be their honor. Seniors should embrace death. Death is our new way of life. Take one for Team USA. Don’t be an American’t.
Lie 5: Young people are virtually immune to Covid. They barely get sick.
Truth? Never believe the CDC. As usual, this novel coronavirus played the trickster once again with officials and their “science.” In a report issued to the Central Government, then leaked to yours truly, scientists have discovered old people are virtually immune to Covid. Makes sense, doesn’t it? The coronavirus is new. They are old. Opposites, ergo immunity. Logic.
In partnership with Christian churches, the Central Government will soon issue stimulus checks for houses of worship to reinvest in Bingo – every Senior’s favorite competitive sport. Retiree Rugby. Simultaneously, another round of checks will go to every Medicare recipient over the age of 65. President Donald Trump will use his experience in running successful Atlantic City casinos to provide some razzle dazzle to an already addictively delicious oldster elixir.
Said Trump, “In further securing the connection between Church and State, we will make Being Elderly Fun Again. I want old people to take their government BEFA checks right to their churches. Congregate. Compete. Celebrate your newfound immunity at Bingo. All day. Every day. We are expecting record turnouts. The biggest crowds ever.”
Lie 6: Summer will kill corona.
Truth? The Feds were off by a season. This is a novel virus, people. Let’s give Trump & Friends a mulligan on this one. New things are hard to understand at first. Come to find out, Fall and maybe almost certainly Winter will kill Covid. Clearly the virus likes the heat and hates the cold.
Central Government data from the newly formed Department of State Security has revealed that the explosion of cases this summer are a byproduct of the Wuhan Heat Wave, engineered and released by the Wuhan National Biosafety Laboratory, with the support and funding of the Chinese communist government. This is not only melting the polar ice caps faster than supposed global warming but also causing this rampant, prolific summer heat across all the United States.
Covid is spreading like a spark in dry midsummer bush. It’s the heat. Nothing else. Fall will be awesome. Especially Tuesday, November 3, 2020.
Lie 7: The only true cure for Covid is reaching herd immunity.
Truth? We can only reach herd immunity when the herd is strong. Starting next week, the Central Government will be sending trains to your local communities to implement D.E.R.P. – Defectives Existential Relocation Program.
Please direct your remaining elderly, your diabetics, your handicapped, surviving left wing media, the mentally ill, non-Christians, illegals, and people who like windmills to wait in an orderly line. Anyone not reporting for relocation will be systematically tracked down and escorted away by the now nationally deployed military police. Their expanded authority by presidential fiat will supersede all local or state law enforcement. Make sure to bring masks, as you will be quite tightly packed. You know, Covid and whatnot.
Where are they going? Don’t worry about it. Salute the flag and ignore the billows of smoke and ash you see on the horizon.
Lie 8: Covid is not much worse than the flu.
Truth? Fuck the flu. Covid is not much worse than the common cold for most people, said a representative of D.I.C. – Disease Information Control, formerly known as the discredited Center for Disease Control. And that’s what really matters, right? We can handle a cold.
If 95% of us can enjoy our summer parties, go to concerts, and attend baseball games, our need for normalcy should always trump the risks for the infirm 5% Lessers in our midst. Provided the Central Government allows the American people their entertainment without the goddamn inconveniences caused by caring for the ill, we can all head to the ballpark with our feverish coughs and hoss down some $15 brown-water hotdogs with clear consciences.
Lie 9: Cases are increasing because testing is increasing.
Truth? Turns out the tests cause an allergic respiratory response identical to Covid in approximately 5% of those tested.
“That has been the problem all along,” reported Central Government spokeswoman, Kayleigh McEnany. “Science should not stand in the way of this. It’s the tests. Always was. Told you so. Dummies.”
So no wonder, as we reach 50 million tests, that this many new people show infection. Bad tests. Makes total sense. If we simply stop testing, life will return to normal, and we can have our elections this November, in person, without the bigly risk of rigged mail-in ballots.
I am effusively appreciative that my Central Government cares this much for us and upholds our hard-fought freedoms. We really thought there was an existential crisis. A plague of biblical impact. Whew! Dodged that bullet.
Lie 10: Asymptomatic spread has been disproven.
Truth? Not only disproven but let me lay this one down on you: a secret Central Government study proves that Covid never really existed. It has been a hoax all along from the Socialist medical and science communities to drive voter suppression for the 2020 election.
A conspiracy of Left-wing radical groups like the Lame Stream Media, American Medical Association, and Black Lives Matter are trying to derail Trump’s reelection because they hate him so much personally and are so mad at him for beating Hilary Clinton in 2016. They are furious from so much winning. So much damn winning.
They made up the Russia witch hunt, they rigged the fake Impeachment, they jailed his many brilliant captains of industry. Made the Central Government hard to run because of their phony coronavirus. Jerks.
Quoting Nicholson’s heroic patriot, Colonel Jessup, from A Few Good Men, “I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you and went on your way.”
Mind blown? Can you believe it? The conspiracy theories are, in fact, conspiracies themselves. Our Covid-world has become an idiom – a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.
On his way to the gallows, American Colonial spy Nathan Hale offered, “I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country.” Not actually what he said, but no matter. It was the gist.
I see myself as a modern-day Nathan. Bringing the true truth to my readers in a post-truth reality. Exposing the lies and deceptions of the Central Government, inspiring you to do something about it.
Listen up, friends. Then rise in dissent.
Life is but a sore scrotum. I am but a warning, perhaps a literary admonition. You must remove the underlying testicular cancer causing the pain.
We can expect better from our government. Minimally, we should expect the truth. Always. Whether times are good or bad, happy, or sad. Let’s stay together. Thanks, Al Green. Ah, that’s nice.
The mistake is ours when we allow ourselves to be fooled by words and rhetoric. Behavior belies the real character of a person, and we knew we hired a liar and cheat. We vilify and denigrate people with whom we disagree and, worse, overlook malignant personalities in trade for words that align closest to our own intransigent, tribal beliefs.
This is deadly serious. Especially when dealing with 145,000 American deaths… and climbing.
To close where we began, with paraphrased Nietzsche. “I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
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