Dear invisible reader friends (and potential voters), with Kanye West’s inspirational candidacy faltering, I am throwing my name in the hat to be your next President of the United States.
We need – nay, deserve – better options than the two geriatric fossils (Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Cheeto) running for the most powerful elected office in the world. And I have ideas. Big fucking ideas.
I acknowledge I am late to the game. But effective today, with 65 days until the US Presidential election, consider me a goer.
I further acknowledge I have no political experience, people skills, or perceptible intelligence. I smell bad. My feet are misshapen. I have a whistling septum. My penis is below average. I abuse irony and satire.
But I have a vision. Visions, in fact. They come to me in dreams after crashing from binging too much psilocybin. I can vividly see a greater, more expansive, more satisfied America.
Similar to when you are size-testing dildos, you need to ensure the right fit. Let me know if we get snagged halfway there, or if we are rattling around like a stick in a coffee can, or if things glide in just right.
With that, please allow me to share my ten favorite positions with you. Some will be uncomfortable and awkward. Others will make you shudder with happiness. All will make you reconsider the very nature of your own existence.
Top 10 Favorite Positions….
Not only am I pro-Choice, I am pro-Murder. When I am your president, we will legalize murder once and for all. Stop all the controversy.
One thing we have learned from Covid-19 is that life matters less than we assumed. Christian conservatives lost their moral authority by refusing to wear masks at mass church gatherings. Well… first when they overwhelmingly voted for a philandering godless predator. Then the mask thing.
With morality as the last ethical barrier, we can now embrace our most feral instincts with openness and integrity.
Neighbor’s dog shitting on your lawn? Stab it. Hell, shank the owner, too. Granny driving slow in the passing lane? Run her off the road. Watch for flames in your rearview. Douchebag talking too loud on his phone? Hit him with a hammer. Maybe a sledgehammer for good measure.
I know a satisfying head shot with a finishing double tap would feel great, but alas, no guns. More to come on that later.
Friends, we need to get to work. Who is with me that we are sick and tired of bowing to an invisible so-called plague? Without our American economy, we might as well bow to the Queen again. And besides, the plague is barely real when you stop testing for it.
It is totally worth it if the weakest of our human herd dies so we can have our normal lives back. According to Facebook memes, we are 99.997% safe from Covid-19. I mean only 180,000+ people are dead, and memes are always accurate. Don’t be pussies!
Point is, be proud of your genetic superiority. As with abortion, life now has a limited value. Money and comfort matter much more.
So, get out in public and cough in a Diabetic’s face. Spit in an old man’s soup (hell, bonus points if it’s Trump or Biden’s soup. Ups my odds of winning). Don’t forget murder is now legal, too!
Close all K-12 schools for a generation. Conscript all able-bodied children to manual labor camps. Let them hereafter be remembered as the Lost Generation.
It’s fine. American infrastructure is crumbling, and we need labor. This is a worthy sacrifice for many families and soon, the binding legal duty of all to give back.
Of course, teachers will need to join them if they want a paycheck. Plus, when K-12 education reopens for Generation AA or whatever the fuck stupid name we give them, teachers will have a newfound appreciation for what a full year of work looks and feels like. Maybe they’ll bitch a little bit less.
Show your pride. When you speed past a 7-year old with a jackhammer on the brand-new Interstate, give her a honk. That passing atta-girl is certain to soothe her sore muscles.
Under my presidency, the State will seize all the money and assets from the Top One Percenters (the TOPs) and arrogate them into institutional slavery.
Wealth and success are crimes against humanity. It’s time the Takers start to get their comeuppance against the Producers who hired them.
Let’s face it. It’s just not fair. The TOP’s success is really a combination of several factors: white privilege, institutional racism, and inheritance. Any hard work or good ol’-fashion gumption are by far the exceptions to those determinants.
At the end of the day, we are a capitalist nation who wants everyone to be economically equal, regardless of contribution or ability. Let’s celebrate the fate of the TOPs as we tackle narrowing the racial divisions in our country.
My administration will take an even more punitively progressive approach to Reparations. There will be no money. Sorry, but the money is spent on roads, bridges, and military bases.
That said, each adult black person in the USA will receive a white slave family from the conscripted pool of TOPs. You heard me: White slavery. Using rich white people! What better way to say Black Lives Matter? You’re welcome.
Think of how clean Thad will keep your house! Or your satisfaction when Buffy is driving Ms. Ashanti? Consider how fulfilled you will feel when that karmic wheel of social justice has turned full circle. Some folks on my team are proposing the policy name as PIBB: Payback is a Bitch, bitch.
Native Americans, sorry. Squeaky wheel gets the oil.
You people have gotten spoiled with how good you have it in the United States. For you, my administration will reverse the policy of Immigration and implement our Emigration policy.
Codenamed GTFO, this Get the Fuck Out policy will take any whiny ingrate or malcontent who is currently a US Citizen and relocate them to their country of origin. The military will pack your family, pack your shit, and drop you off at the nearest local refugee camp for assimilation training into your new culture.
Let’s see how life in Azerbaijan or Yemen match up. Should be an adventure! Maybe you could live in the same neighborhood as our Friend, Chandler Bing… 15 Yemen Road. Yemen.
Insofar as actual Immigration to the USA, the doors are back open to anyone who isn’t a bitch. Winners not whiners is our motto for you.
Willing to work? Pay your taxes? Comfy with being chipped, tracked, and surveilled? Welcome to the U. S. of A.
The current administration has proven both orally and anecdotally that windmills cause cancer. With that news, our last hopes for fixing or reversing climate change are crushed.
Humans are a virus that consume and destroy their host. Our dirty work is done, and Mother Earth is terminal. By our smart science people’s calculation, we have only three thousand years to move to Alpha Centauri before our continents are submerged forever under massive broiling tsunamis of liquid death.
While that is only half the time since god created the earth six thousand years ago, we need to start planning now. We will empower and fund Space Force to invent some important technology.
Firstly, Faster than Light (FTL) travel. Damn the math and physics, we are Americans. Not American’ts.
Secondly, space arks. Like Noah, but way bigger and less genetically treacherous.
And thirdly, death rays. Something to exterminate a likely hostile indigenous population on Alpha Centaurians. Like a badass buncha Daleks, we may need to exterminate the locals.
We are taking your guns. There, I said it. All of them.
Our STFU Policy will begin with rewriting the Second Amendment of the US Constitution. This amended Amendment will contain the following strikethrough: “…the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall
not be infringed.”
Let the Infringement begin. Our forebears were rebels and terrorists, as are their progeny. My administration will not tolerate the risk of armed resistance from any Militia, especially given the breadth and depth of our aspirations for reshaping this great nation.
We all know the only reason you want guns is to overthrow the government. C’mon, duh. Now we are coming to overthrow you. There will be peace at all costs, and the nominal level of bloodshed from disarming a few tough guys should be well under the coronavirus death count, which we all know was really no biggie anyway. It is what it is!
Salute your flag while we achieve peace through all violent means necessary.
Social Security and Medicare were never intended to be around this long. The Federal Budget allocates over two trillion dollars in mandatory spending to support these obscene entitlements… per year!
That’s it. We’re done. Someone must be the grown-up in the room and save our health system. In the first ninety days of my administration, we will implement a National Death Age of 65 years old.
If you are not already dead from pollution, coronavirus, or white slavery, you must call your local Board of Electors for a Summary Execution. Quick and simple, our new Death Force will show up at your home. Just show them your National ID card or let them scan your new Patriot Chip, and they will line you up against a wall and shoot you dead.
Your constant economic burden on society will end with a bullet to the frontal lobe, ensuring we keep the young and healthy even healthier while economically securing the Motherland for generations to come.
Your Nation honors your sacrifice. Go gentle.
Iran, nuked. Russia, nuked. North Korea, nuked. Problem solved.
After obliterating the Axis of Evil, all the world will love us even more. Our allies will thank us, once they adapt to the radiation fallout.
I will invest heavily in using our military to spread American values across the remainder of the world by creating massive military installations on every continent. Better said, expanding the bases we already have in place anyway.
We have given so much for so long to policing the world, now we will nestle in as an occupying police force. It’s time for our fair share of the apple pie. Like half. Maybe more.
You have your culture? That’s nice. ‘Merica. You have your language? That’s nice. Speak American. Look, as many of you know when you see Americans traveling around the world, we know everything.
It’s simple: America. Or else.
In Summary: Why I Should Be Your Man (for President)
To recap, we can summarize my policy positions into these simple, digestible sound bites. Edible like a pair of your grandma’s moist strawberry undies…
- Legalize murder.
- Herd immunity.
- End education.
- Confiscate wealth.
- White slavery.
- Mass emigration.
- Leave earth.
- Disarm the public.
- Execute the elderly.
- America. Or else.
As you will clearly notice, Donald Trump and Joe Biden do not orbit the same radiant, pulsating sun as me. My universe is uniquely suited for those with the balls and Icarian stamina to realize deep, penetrating change.
And get a load of this!
When you come with me on this wet and wild adventure, you will receive a pair of signed assless chaps, knockoffs of the pubic pantaloons I will wear to all my public campaign events. Made of the finest, rich, Corinthian leather, these squeaky britches scream, “What the fuck!?” to all my fetishist fashionistas.
Folks, I’m a straight shooter, cocked and loaded for action. But I need your help to finish. I can do it alone, but where is the fun in that?
Join me today! Let’s partner to ensure this effort reaches its climax, and we take the White House back for the future of the American race!
Thank you. Stay safe, America.
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Campaign Slogan Poll
When you comment on this article, for which I am certain you will feel a burning desire to do, please indicate which of the following options you would like to see most as my campaign slogan. Alternative suggestions are always welcome, too. Thank you.
- PS. I love you.
- Going Deep with PS.
- Starting in the Rear with PS
- PS: The Come from Behind Kid
- Licking the Competition Up with PS